You’ve likely seen it happen…. He brought her down without any awareness that he undermined her career. She dismissed his good ideas without realizing she excluded her colleague. Have you seen people damage good relationships – and then appear surprised? 
Or have you heard people ask for help in sweeping statements that say little about specifics they need ... and then express their frustration when others fail to offer precise ideas that assist them?
Confusion and misunderstanding come from speaking out without regard for what response will likely come back. It’s more than using good tone though. It’s also bigger than meta messages … which merely mask what we mean … such as saying “it’s Ok…” when it clearly is not.
Most people would agree that what we say and how we say it impacts other people … but fewer realize that what people get back is often shaped by what they say.
If you want clarification for directions, for instance … ask specific questions about only the part you need clarified. Don’t say … I’m frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, and upset.
Do you listen to hear what solutions you inspire from words you speak?
Sounds a bit like the work of Elizabeth Loftus on eyewitness testimony. Among many other things, she demonstrated that how you phrase a question can have a large impact on the response.
For example consider the following three questions which might be asked of a witness.
"How fast were the cars going when they crashed into each other?"
"How fast were the cars going when they ran into each other?"
"How fast were the cars going when they bumped into each other?"
The three questions get different estimates from people who watched the same incident.
Posted by: Wally Bock | August 11, 2007 3:00 PM | Permalink to Comment