Benefiting at work from Brain Based Insights

My friend and fellow blogger, Dr. Tammy Lenski identified 3 goals to helping resolve a recent conflict. Any discord in your life at the moment that could use Tammy’s keys to communicate, accommodate and stay balanced.?

I’m talking about that zinger … shot from a colleague or boss … that pops up to show your shortcomings … just when you figured your differences had blown over.  It’s easy to find yourself baffled by the same tension you felt when clashes came in the past, especially if you’re lost for a way out. What you may not know is that parts of your brain come equipped to help you win you calm after a conflict, or on a good day, even help you celebrate new directions with a disagreeable person.

In either case, you’ll get more from your brain if you take skirmishes a step at a time, and that likely means say nothing at the time. It sometimes takes a year or two as a dedicated conflict confronter to find your pathway into that magical realm where you feel inexplicably free. To step back allows you space to rethink your tactics and reboot your brain for one that works better than the hammer in your hand. It’s also a way to avoid common mistakes that likely developed discord in the first place.

Remember the time you last tried to change somebody? It likely didn’t work the way you hoped, and drew lingering barbs that you paid for many times.   Through that trial and error process of conflicts,  many of us came away with the brain’s better way to get past discord. I’ve also learned that confrontation with expectation equals manipulation. And when we speak or share our truth as a way to find mutual benefits, and still fail to get the reaction we want, experts can often help.

Just try to imagine one pressing conflict you face… as it might be solved by experts at the Association for Conflict Resolution at their international celebration, held annually on the third Thursday in October. I am always delighted to come across posts by Dr. Tammy Lenski over at “I Can’t Say That!” where I get facts for every fracas out there – hopefully before they broadside me at a department meeting for the next business project. For Tammy it’s often  about defining what it means to win. She cautions… “If your definition of “win” is short-term in nature (prove I’m smart, get the upper hand for once, show him he’s not so hot after all, put her in her place, etc.), “ then you’ll want to be careful not to “trade short term gratification for long-term success.”

One tactic that draws on your Intrapersonal Intelligence, a mental reserve ready to ratchet up your solution success rates. Imagine yourself in that other person’s shoes until you see the problem completely from that person’s view. When we do this at brain based conferences, solutions often amaze me. You can capture another angle of the most pressing problem by writing an open, honest letter from that problematic person to you…

Don’t write a word until your mind firmly establishes you as the other person. Then start with these words,  “Hey … you’re really a terrific person and I’d like to give you a view of this conflict from where I sit… Become that person in your mind, and simply write for 10 minutes.  This is not a time for spelling and grammar – so skip the mechanics in favor of the intrapersonal heart of the matter. Look over your letter and find one starting place to build a new start, launched from the other person’s perspective. Don’t tell the person what you did,  but instead, invite the person for lunch and to show thanks for the new insights you drew from your hidden or unused intrapersonal smarts.

Should get you a fair to middlin’  start at rebuilding, without imposing expectations that manipulate, and without sharing those spelling mistakes in your letter from that person to you – created by you. Expect to find a few cool lessons woven into your own words, written from another person’s perspective. By the way, intrapersonal intelligence works best when you be good to you first!  And if that doesn’t work to turn a stubborn conflict around … check back for more on this topic later....